Thursday, December 4, 2008

Jumping on the Bandwagon #4: The Zipper

Sometimes I feel like I'm missing something special about being a man. Say I saddled up to a urinal next to another dude, it would always take me far longer to do my business than the other guy. Why was this? I wasn't curious enough to have a look, but it still stuck in my head for a while before just shrugging it off and accepting my slowness. But then one day here at work I got to the urinal at the exact same time as someone else. I started my usual unbuckling of my belt, then unbuttoning my trousers, but all I heard next to me is a quick "zip," and then the dude is going about his business. You gotta be kidding! Guys actually just unzip, and then dig around in their boxers to find their shlong, then pee? Why didn't I get the memo on this?!?? So next time I sauntered up to the trough I gave it a try. It ruled! So fast, so easy, plus no chance of my pants falling down. I'm a believer, Lord! I'm a born-again zipper-user! Now I just gotta make sure all my boxers have their button undone and I'm good to go!


MrB said...

are you fucking kidding me Greg?

You have walked around this earth for 24 years without know why zippers were invented?

This is baffling to me. I don't even remember the time I realized this particular fact? You know why? because it's like wiping your ass... it's something you learn when you're four. My respect for your manhood just nosedived.

All those brewer games you go to and you never realized that's what men do? Jesus Christ. At least now you know and can start a new life without peeing like a girl...

Blasphemy I tell you...

MrB said...

Have you ever wonder why guys get their dick stuck in the zipper?

I'm still astonished.

Here, have a look... it's even in Yahoo answers.

Penis stuck in zipper

MrB said...

it's very painful by the way... it's happened to me like 5 times in my lifetime... mainly when intoxicated... that shit sobers you right the fuck up...

This is also becomes a life or death decision... you're standing there with your dick in tremendous pain... easing it out is fucking painful... zipping up or down could rip the fucking skin... so you have to think quick while in agonizing pain... one of the worse things that happen exclusively to men.

MrB said...

of course you would know this if you peed like a man...


i just realized my comments are longer than the blog itself...

that's gotta count for some Life Achievement Points eh?

Ric said...

Just watch There's Something About Mary.

Gregor said...

I've also never gotten my dick stuck in my zipper, so I think I win on this one.

BLaZE said...

Pffft. Here is yet another blog post where I begin reading expecting 100% I will be linked as the #1 contributer to this post's existence. And I am not even mentioned once.

I, for some reason, have probably pee'd next to greg more then most his friends, and I let it slide for awhile. Then I think I said something when we were "labeling" bathroom users during one lunch a long time ago. I told him I think hes being inefficient and it drives me crazy.

Then we got drunk during a disc golf outing sometime later and I actually made fun of Greg and his belt issues and everyone laughed (at him). He played off the "Oh, THAT's what zipper's are for. tee hee hee" defense. And a week or 2 later I noticed him doing things quick, and easy.

Come on.

Oh, and I have never gotten caught because I only use the zipper at work... because I wear belts at work. When im pissing drunk or at home its always button/halfzip.

Gregor said...

Gregor: how many times do i have to tell you
Gregor: i'm the star of my own movie
Gregor: and you're barely a cameo
BLaZE: so are we talking mental illness? or just something you do for your blog, to stroke your epeen ego?
Gregor: mental illness, clearly
Gregor: i remember us talking about it
BLaZE: I was going to say that
Gregor: but i wasnt sure of the specifics, and i dont like to lie
Gregor: so i just fudge it
Gregor: knowing you'll come rumbling in with the truth
BLaZE: yeah, we labeled people like the first week or 2 that pickles and ross were here.
BLaZE: then I didn't want to say antyhing out loud because I didn't know if I was the different person
BLaZE: so i texted you
BLaZE: and said your a label yourself, no one unbelts
Gregor: wow
BLaZE: then you said oh, wow, blah blah, i don't feel like changing
BLaZE: and then months later i made the joke in front of everyone, i didn't know if it would be funny but i was drunk, and like weeks or pickles or someone just ate it up.
Gregor: hahaha

Ric said...

What does "epeen" mean?

BLaZE said...

Urban dictionary

Urban dictionary actually didn't do too good of a job. It's short for E-penis. It is a ficticious measurement of your net worth on the web. Net worth consisting of followers, stories, fame, accomplishments, etc.

So if you go into forums and brag about things and exagerate excessively, someone will use the negative "epeen" comment. Pretty much to say that it's the internet, what are you trying to prove?