Wednesday, November 5, 2008

The Pooper's Dilemma


Allow me to set the stage for you. It's 1:13 pm, and my daily "after lunch bathroom break" is knocking at my back door. I make my way to the potty, and my superhuman enhanced senses hear the sound of a toilet flushing a few steps before I enter the bathroom. I continue on in to find a lone man washing his hands at the sink. Mid-step my peripheral vision informs me that there is no one at the 2 urinals. This esteemed gentlemen definitely came from one of the toilet stalls...but which one? The first two stalls are normal-sized, while the third is a handicapped extra large one. This is my preferred home port, because I like to stretch my legs out while I drop trou. Plus I tend to bang my elbows in normal stalls. Because I am a giant freak. Anyways, it's decision time. Which stall do I go in? I have a 1 in 3 chance of sitting down on the same toilet this dude just got up from. This thought does not gruntle me. I decide to go big and head for the handicapped stall. I go in and glance at the toilet and realize the error of my ways. The water is still flowing in the toilet. Oh dear...I've gone too far to come out of the stall and find another one. But...but...that seat is guaranteed to still be warm! I gingerly unbuckle and sit down. Yep, still warm. I quickly mark my territory with a low, long fart, and all is well. Though I believe that next time I will just call an audible and book it out of there instead of putting my buttocks in such a risky situation.

4 comments:

MrB said...

Mythbusters confirmed that a toilet seat is the cleanest place in the house. (unless is clearly smeared with shit all over of course).

You can read it here:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/MythBusters_(season_3)#Five-second_Rule

Ric said...

You're right. You do talk about bathrooms a lot.

kiltrunner22 said...

What about the rim of the toilet, mrb? You know, the place that menace pees on as opposed to the actualy portal. And what then becomes of your own ass after you sit on it in the middle of the night because someone didn't put the toilet seat down? The lesson here is to hover at all costs, and only live with a man who has older sisters.

menace said...

Hahaha, is it wierd that I never bat an eye at sitting down on a warm toilet? I probably enjoy it, it's like one of those expensive ones with the coiled heating! woohoo!