Monday, October 6, 2008

Down in Flames

Face it, we're fucked. This is how an article in Newsweek describes our current financial situation: "The implosion of America's most storied investment banks. The vanishing of more than a trillion dollars in stock-market wealth in a day. A $700 billion tab for U.S. taxpayers. The scale of the Wall Street crackup could scarcely be more gargantuan." This is not good. Have no fear, good readers of In The Fade. I will help both of you (yes, both!) through these tumultous times. The first thing you should do is get fired. Yes, right now. Start collecting Unemployment. It's actually more money than you'd think it would be. Next, you need to sell all of your unnecessary items. That big screen tv? Your dvd collection? Sell it all. You won't have time for it anyways.

Now you need to stock up on the essentials: guns and ammunition. Maybe a sword. Definitely a multi-purpose ax, one that can handle chopping through wood and undead skulls. "Undead skulls?" you may ask yourself. "I thought this was about surviving the upcoming depression we soon face." Well let me break the timeline down for you:

  1. 12/5/08 - Stock Market Completely Crashes, kiss your investments adios
  2. 1/16/09 - Canada Invades the US, years of playing hockey and riding moose (mooses?) have turned them into swarthy warriors akin to Vikings of old
  3. 1/17/09 - US is declared Southern Canada. Sarah Palin named Governor of the whole gosh darn thing, dontcha know
  4. 2/29/09 - Resistance forces unleash zombie virus, expecting it to only effect the Canadians. George Romero does a facepalm
  5. 8/2/09 - 90% of North America population is zombified. (That 10% remaining? Well that's gonna be us. Obv.)
  6. 9/15/09 - 77% of World Population is zombified

So that's why you'll need the ax. Anyways, take your unemployment money and buy a 1990 Ford Aerostar. A finer vehicle has never been birthed. Next you should find a nice patch of dirt in a woods and start digging: You're going to need a bomb shelter, for when those Canadians storm our borders on their Moose Cavalry. (Yes, that's how big they are. I'm scared also.) Stock up on food, blankets, and hot sauce. Zombies hate hot sauce. It makes their buttholes burn, just like you and me. Ok, so you've got this bomb shelter loaded up with all the essentials. So you seal the door (after printing out a copy of this, right?), but now what? What the hell are you going to do until the zombie population dies down enough to heroically rise from the bomb shelter to lead humanity in it's darkest hour? Workout, obviously. You're in terrible shape. You could hardly outrun a toddler, much less a starving zombie (that used to be T.O., no doubt. "Des hommes des fer" means "I'm gonna catch you, eat you, then pull a pen out of my jersey and sign your skull" in German, I'm pretty sure). So basically spend the next year doing pushups, situps, squats, etc, until you are a well tuned killing machine. And then, on Z-Day, hop into your souped up Ford Aerostar (with optional power windows) and head out to purge the world of those undead fartknockers. I'll meet you at Mount Rushmore on July 4th, 2010 to celebrate our victory.


MrB said...

Thanks for looking out for our welfare (yes, the two of us). Not sure if we are going to make it that far tho'. Left 4 dead should provide us with a benchmark as well as a training ground for when the dow goes below 5k.

I wouldn't mind being a brain eating zombie. Doesn't sound much different than work.

Tokes said...


Ric said...

T.O.'s a whinny bitch.