Friday, October 31, 2008
Thursday, October 30, 2008
The point of all this? Home construction is in my blood. I had a little hammer and saw when I was a tike and would nail scrap 2x4's together for no reason, just to pound nails and occupy me when I was in the garage. The summer between junior and senior year my dad asked me if I wanted to help out a contractor friend of his in the afternoons after football practice. I said sure, because I could really use the money. So I started helping Kip with re-shingling an old house in Edgar. I was given a crash course on how to handle myself on the steep-ass roof, but my fear of heights kept me from being too adventurous. First we had to tear off two layers of old asphalt shingles, and then a layer of ancient ceder shingles. At first I enjoyed the smell of the ceder rising from the shingles, but when we started tearing them off I changed my mind in a hurry. Black soot and wood dust erupted everywhere with every shingle removed. At the end of the afternoon I looked like a chimney sweep. And every time I blew my nose for the next three days my boogers were black. Yum yum.
However, when we began putting the new sheeting and shingles on things got a little bit scary. After the sheeting is on the roof, you usually put down a layer of felt paper on the roof to keep moisture out. For added protection at the ends of the roof (where snow has a tendency to pile up in the winter) a black, self-adhering layer called Winter Guard is put on. It looks like this
Now, you have to pull the plastic off the adhesive side. What I didn't realize is that the plastic is like a Slip 'N Slide covered in KY Jelly: the shit is slippery. I accidentally slipped on the plastic, fell on my side, and began sliding down the roof. By the way, this was a three story house, and below us was a concrete sidewalk. The chances of me surviving this fall were good. The chances of me ever walking again after this fall were not. Kip saw me sliding to me doom and bounded down the roof after me, managing to grab my arm before I went over the point of no return. My legs were hanging over the roof to my knees. He hauled me back up, asked if I was ok, then sent me down the ladder and told me to just hang out down there. I sheepishly agreed, but even sitting on the ground down there my legs didn't stop shaking for 20 minutes. Eventually I got the courage to get back on the roof, but you bet your ass that I paid more attention to where I was walking from then on.
To be continued tomorrow.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
And so, never again will I attempt the midweek nap unless I wish to stay up until the wee hours of the morning. My apologies Mr. Pickles, I should have taken a dose of my own advice.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Man is washing out a soda can in the bathroom. My deduction skills kick in. What could he possibly be using that empty, washed out soda can for? Perhaps he wants to make one of these, except with Coke cans. Maybe he's OCD and feels the soda can must be clean in order for it to be recycled. Does he neatly place the finished cans in a pyramid on his desk and then knocks them all over when Friday comes? Oh, I know! He puts them on his desk and tries to smash them with his forehead. Or tapes them to his feet to appear taller. There are too many possibilities with a freshly cleaned 12 oz empty can of formerly refreshing Coke.
Monday, October 27, 2008
Friday, October 24, 2008
So this is my desk area. It's fucking messy. I'll probably clean it up a bit after I'm done typing this up. I've got my dual monitors, box of crap, mirror, and schedules for softball and kickball on the right.
This is under my shelf on the left side. I've got a few phone numbers, pics of my nieces,and a button of my gf Hayden Panettiere (hey baby!). I don't think I've touched that cd on my desk since March. Kinda gross.
Here's my 2008 calendar. I mark off everyday, otherwise I never know the date. And my badass current desktop, the Tree Brains logo (which you can find here).
And here's my junk drawer. I've got two things of gum, my Zen, a Tide pen, contact solution, Chap Stick, hand lotion, fingernail clippers, change, a cloak for Aragorn (in case it gets cold in here), my spare belt, nose spray, hand sanitizer, another sanitizer thing, and a little first aid kit. I'm thinking about attaching all of the stuff to my belt and basically running around the building fighting crimes with my Batman-esque utility belt.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Thankfully the sounds of me sobbing partially covered up the chewing symphony.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Oh, the horror!
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
- Fable 2
- Guitar Hero: World Tour
- Fallout 3
- Quantum of Solace
- Mirror's Edge
- Call of Duty: World at War
- Left 4 Dead
And here I thought I'd be saving money this winter by not going out as much...
Monday, October 20, 2008
- Hot girls
- Sex jokes
- fast cars
- Underage drinking
- The Amish
- James Marsden (who really deserves to be a bigger star, the guy has been phenomenal in every movie I've seen him in)
- Seth Green
- Giant donut suits
- Purple Soda
This movie has a ton of great one-liners too, mostly all delivered by this man. Clark Duke definitely has the potential to be a big star (he's got a video thing here with Michael Cera from Arrested Development and Superbad). Look, fall is officially the wasteland for movies. What other movie are you gonna go to the theatres to laugh at, Beverly Hills Chihuahua? Because if you actually pay to see that movie I will slap you silly. Seriously, go see Sex Drive, you will not regret it.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Life is far too short to be a selfish jerk, ya know? So for once, stop thinking about yourselves and what makes you happy, and instead think about the greater good. Some of the best moments in my life have come from helping other people out.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
How fierce are they? One researcher contends that if martens were as big as
black bears, there would be no humans living in the North Woods.
Abbbbwhhaaaaat? Martens, which look like this (or is it this?) would actually be the size of this:
Holy crap! Can you imagine that?? It would be like the times before that goon Columbus came over and white people went crazy killing everything with 2+ legs. We wouldn't be the top animal on the planet anymore! Huge martens, roaming the northwoods tearing up anyone foolish enough to venture into their domain. Until of course the Canadians found a way to tame the 600 lb martens and used THEM for mounted cavalry when they attempted to invade America after we go down in flames. I, for one, welcome our giant marten riding Canadian overlords.
Monday, October 13, 2008
Friday, October 10, 2008
Bees. My God.
I don't think you can use the term "My God" without coming off as a Soap Opera star. Sorry Batman.
When I was at the stoplight of a major intersection this morning I saw a furry creature scampering amongst the cars. Sure enough, a muskrat from the nearby pond decided it was his day to die. Miraculously he made it through the whole intersection without getting creamed, then proceeded to investigate the rims of a car by sticking his head inside of it. After that I couldn't see him, but I'll check for a blood stain on my way home. Unfortunately all it did was remind me of this.
After 6 months of having practically no one by my cube other than Jesse it appears that people will be moving in very soon. This is very disheartening. How am I supposed talk to spend all my time on humor websites laughing at goofy pictures if I'm constantly being told to "keep it down" and "don't you ever do work?" I feel my style shall be severely cramped.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
- Watch a football game, whether it's a college or NFL game on TV or actually going to a high school game. Fall is the season for Football.
- Curl up with a book and a cup of hot apple cider.
- Catch up on all those video games you've been neglecting all summer long.
- Walk through the woods when the leaves are falling.
- Carving pumpkins.
- Prepping for Halloween, including decorating the house.
- Indulging in some fine fall beers.
- Drives through the country side to check out the leaves changing colors.
- Disc golfing, touch football, anything to get outside and enjoy the smell of the leaves.
Sure, a lot of people grumble that "It'll probably snow next week," but the truth is that fall is a great time of the year to get out and enjoy the great state we live in.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
- "All Along the Watchtower" by Jimi Hendrix, originally Bob Dylan
- "Love Song" by 311, originally The Cure
- "Hurt" by Johnny Cash, originally Nine Inch Nails
- "With a Little Help from My Friends" by Joe Cocker, originally The Beatles
- "Baker Street" by the Foo Fighters, originally Gerry Rafferty
- "Shout" by Disturbed, originally Tears for Fears
- "Higher Ground" by Red Hot Chili Peppers, originally Stevie Wonder
- "Billie Jean" by Chris Cornell, originally Michael Jackson
- "Respect" by Aretha Franklin, originally Otis Redding
- "I Will Survive" by Cake, originally Gloria Gaynor
- "Hotel California" by the Gipsy Kings, originally the Eagles
- Anything by Richard Cheese
Monday, October 6, 2008
Now you need to stock up on the essentials: guns and ammunition. Maybe a sword. Definitely a multi-purpose ax, one that can handle chopping through wood and undead skulls. "Undead skulls?" you may ask yourself. "I thought this was about surviving the upcoming depression we soon face." Well let me break the timeline down for you:
- 12/5/08 - Stock Market Completely Crashes, kiss your investments adios
- 1/16/09 - Canada Invades the US, years of playing hockey and riding moose (mooses?) have turned them into swarthy warriors akin to Vikings of old
- 1/17/09 - US is declared Southern Canada. Sarah Palin named Governor of the whole gosh darn thing, dontcha know
- 2/29/09 - Resistance forces unleash zombie virus, expecting it to only effect the Canadians. George Romero does a facepalm
- 8/2/09 - 90% of North America population is zombified. (That 10% remaining? Well that's gonna be us. Obv.)
- 9/15/09 - 77% of World Population is zombified
So that's why you'll need the ax. Anyways, take your unemployment money and buy a 1990 Ford Aerostar. A finer vehicle has never been birthed. Next you should find a nice patch of dirt in a woods and start digging: You're going to need a bomb shelter, for when those Canadians storm our borders on their Moose Cavalry. (Yes, that's how big they are. I'm scared also.) Stock up on food, blankets, and hot sauce. Zombies hate hot sauce. It makes their buttholes burn, just like you and me. Ok, so you've got this bomb shelter loaded up with all the essentials. So you seal the door (after printing out a copy of this, right?), but now what? What the hell are you going to do until the zombie population dies down enough to heroically rise from the bomb shelter to lead humanity in it's darkest hour? Workout, obviously. You're in terrible shape. You could hardly outrun a toddler, much less a starving zombie (that used to be T.O., no doubt. "Des hommes des fer" means "I'm gonna catch you, eat you, then pull a pen out of my jersey and sign your skull" in German, I'm pretty sure). So basically spend the next year doing pushups, situps, squats, etc, until you are a well tuned killing machine. And then, on Z-Day, hop into your souped up Ford Aerostar (with optional power windows) and head out to purge the world of those undead fartknockers. I'll meet you at Mount Rushmore on July 4th, 2010 to celebrate our victory.
Friday, October 3, 2008
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Hulk knows exactly how you feel.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
I had fallen in love.
With a beer.
Schlitz recently started making it's "Classic 1960s formula" again, and as a beer aficionado I was intrigued by "The Beer that Made Milwaukee Famous." These three articles do a much better job of talking about the beer, and this summer's shortage than I ever could. Regardless, I really enjoyed my first pitcher of "old" Schlitz, and look forward to diving into it again soon.